To Make One Screw Up the World is Designed
by AllE K
Summary: FMA characters struggle to survive the christmas holidays, with all the mishaps a good author can throw in their way. even after christmas. all holidays.
1. Chapter 1: Temper, Temper

Another one! Oh my! Now that I feel that my other story stinks, I have decided to try something else. The completely random funny doesn't seem to be something that I can pull off, but I put lots a dialogue in here for yalls. I will still update my other story if I get some more reviews, but I felt the need to do something different (and with more H. A. characters in) So, so, so, I hope to get some reviews for this one, and I don't really have a long term plot for this one. I am contemplating (make like the philosopher) hmm……well, if you have any screamingly good plot ideas, and are too lazy to write them yourself, please show them to me (someone marginally less lazy) and I will do my best. Envy is for Hanna (as previously mentioned.)

Chapter one

Temper, Temper

_To Make You Screw Up The World Is designed-Alexandra Kronz_

_Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick tock…..tiiick-toooock. "_**Augh**! Somebody turn off the frikin' clock!!!" Envy growled. The thing must have a pact with an angel to drive him insane!

"Ooh, Envy, dear, do stop complaining. the clock I can deal with, but a four-hundred-year-old _whining_? Today is pathetic enough already." Lust purred mockingly, examining her fingers.

"I wasn't whining, you stuck up, little-"

"Now, now, hun'," Lust interrupted with a malicious smirk, "you don't want to go getting all riled up, not just before we _visit the boss." _Envy winced perceptibly, squirming in his seat. The truth was that it was his fault that they were 'visiting the boss.'

He had started a fight with that stupid little shrimp when they had been expressly forbidden by Dante to show their faces to anyone for the duration of the holidays. Dante didn't want to have to deal with the extra security that the military had up during the break (deck the halls with rows of soldiers, fa lalalala, lala la la) incase of holiday terrorists targeting the packed shopping centers and such. Envy twitched again at the memory; he had been trying to shop for food (damn kid Wrath was always hungry, and there was never anything left for anyone else!) Anyway, he had been quietly minding his own business, when up walked the midget along with his tin-can-tag-along (Ed's a girl scout!?!….that'd be one gross cookie….XD well, I meant Al, you know.) stops at the donut stand,. One of who's tables Envy was sitting at, and ordered a few donuts, (with Alphonse behind him, quietly grumbling about how unhealthy junk food was, and how 'nii-san' should stay away from it….) Now, it was hard for even Envy to find this insulting, but what the alchemist did next he just could not let pass. He took his donuts, and sat down not to many tables away from Envy, and began to laugh and joke with Alphonse (who was still grumbling about 'junk food') this also, I'm sure, seems inoffensive, but what he was joking about was Envy himself!

Lust, as if reading his thoughts, remarked contemptuously, "You've got _quite_ the temper around that Full metal boy, haven't you? No self control whatsoever…." The truth was that lust too was nervous; you didn't cross Dante. It was as simple as that. And yet, so very complicated. She sighed.

-------------this is my POOP STI-I mean scene divider------------

"So, so, so. Who the hell stole my doughnuts?" Edward Elric stared down at the empty paper bag in his hand, quietly fuming. "Dammit! Al, you know what?"

"No, I don't know him." Al said in a monotone voice, expecting what was coming, and feeling a bit down about it.

"I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!!!!!" Edward shrieked, completely ignoring Al's answer. All of the other shoppers crowding the slush-covered street froze for a moment, then dismissed it as a child having a fit, and resumed what they were doing (mostly trying to get somewhere less wet and miserable, with more parking spaces.)

Al sighed, and resumed walking toward their tiny apartment in central, hoping Ed would follow him.

--------------this is my POOP STI-I mean scene divider------------

Alphonse towed Edward up the three flights of stairs with and accompaniment of growls and sniffles, followed by requests for 'a goddamn tissue!' Al stopped in front of the apartment door, and turned his head toward Edward meaningfully. Ed glared back at him. "You never gave me those tissues." He said, and sniffed again in the cold wind playing about the landing.

"I don't have any tissues. We left them here when you complained about how humiliating it was to have everyone know that you get a runny nose when it gets cold. Frankly, I think that it would have been less humiliating to be honking the entire meeting rather than having snot running down my face, but it's all in personal opinion." Edward glared, shivered, dripped, and stuck his chin out stubbornly. (It reminds me of those songs where you do movements, and add one every round you sing. You know; "Father Abraham had seven suns, seven sons had father Abraham. And they never laughed, and they never cried, all they did was go like this…with a left. Father Abraham had seven suns, seven sons had father Abraham. And they never laughed, and they never cried, all they did was go like this with a left, and a right….father Abraham….like that, and it keeps going. XD)

"Look," said Alphonse, "I could spend all day sitting in a glacier, and it wouldn't bother me. You're only freezing your own butt." Edward glared for a minute more, then shivered violently, and, finally, dug in his pocket to find the keys.

Edward trudged inside, shuffling in order to rid his boots of snow, and Alphonse clanked in behind him, chinking and grinding for the same reason. Edward plopped down on their second hand couch in the living room, and attempted to remove his suction-cup boots (you know how ski boots get; dats what I mean) which, when they finally did let go, left his feet feeling sore, egging on his bad mood.

Al had clanked off to the kitchen, in order to attempt to hunt down some baking ingredients. He felt that he and his brother were both deeply in need of some sort of stress reliever. Though he doubted he could bake cookies like mom, even with fresh ingredients instead of the pre-done mix in the cupboard. While Al measured and mixed he tried to remember the last time that ed and he had really enjoyed Christmas…..not since Ed joined the military….no, wait, not since the Accident.

Edward leaned back against the almost-moldy couch, and sighed. It seemed so simple, and yet, it was so very, very complicated.

--------------this is my POOP STI-I mean scene divider------------

Envy glared at the clock once more, and realized that it was time to go in. He glanced across the table at lust, and reluctantly rose out of his chair. Lust did the same, and with a quick tidying flip to her hair, walked up to the study door. She knocked twice, efficiently, as if she was not concerned at all, as if she was simply delivering someone else for a 'visit.' She was obviously doing everything in her power to disassociate herself from Envy.

Envy decided that she wouldn't get away clean, no matter what. He was feeling particularly malicious, partly because of the urge to relieve his nerves, and partly because of that god damn clock.

The door swung open, and Greed, sitting languidly in a uncomfortable looking chair mocked "Come in, Dear" in a gratingly sugary voice. "Today we will learn about self control," he quipped. When Dante swung around in her chair and shot him a meaningful look he hastily added; " and now I'll hand it over to the real teacher…..have _fun_, class." Greed swept out of the room with a gleeful look (partly at getting out of Dante's study, and far away from her.) and pulled the door quietly shut behind him, no doubt waiting in the hallway to listen to Envy's possibly painful telling off.

Envy seethed to himself, and tried to stop thinking about wringing Greed's stupid blue neck. It was not that hard, with Dante sitting still, and icily quiet in her ornately carved and cushioned desk chair. She was wearing her most polite, mild look, which meant the very worst. Envy gulped, wishing that he could just melt into the floor, like sloth.

Lust backed into the shadows in the corner of the room nearest the door, and Dante focused the full force of her freezing violet stare on Envy. "Do, please, explain the reason for this ruckus."

K, so how do you like it? I love my inanimate objects!!! They make me happy. The weird thing is that I used to hate baby dolls with a vengeance, and Barbie types even more. Prolly because the idiot designers at the toy companies are defiling the beauty of the inanimate objects by making them in human form (and also it would be hard to have a body that looked that nice. Damn, I feel un-sexy. I mean a body like the Barbies', not the babies'. I fell like Dr. Seuss now……is Dr. Seuss sexy? ) any way, the only dolls I would play with were horse ones, so I didn't totally hate them, but I much prefer doors, and clocks ('cept when the alarm goes off in the morning. Then the clocks can go to hell.) I also like my computer, and I was sad when the power went out recently. I had to live on reading books with candles, which was kinda stinky, plus having to decorate the tree with a flashlight. I didn't try to write anything on paper, because it's hard to read my writing, even though my spelling is fine. I try to write cleanly on spelling tests. Please R&R my story. anyway,

Merry Christmas, and much lurv,

AllE K.

P.S.

Ooh, ooh, guess what! Tree ornaments are fun inanimate objects, too. They may get dusty, but they're always willing to talk to you, cause they're board being shut up all year. They don't get all stuck up like SOME do (stupid early alarm clocks!!!!!!) I cry every time I unpack a broken tree ornament. 


	2. Chapter 2 : Chewed Out

More chapters! And it is looooong! W00T! Enjoy.

I don't own FMA…..and I can't get what I really wanted for Christmas at radio shack…

Chapter Two

Ice-the Devil's Christmas Present

(you know it's true)

Clank! Crash! Trash cans white with frost toppled and rolled as a skinny figure stumbled down the cramped alley.

"Oooh," Envy moaned, tripping sideways over his own feet, and falling heavily against the cold concrete wall. He felt as though he had just been run through a meat grinder, with unusually permanent effects on him. Being chewed on by Gluttony couldn't be half as bad as being **_chewed out _**by Dante.

Envy rested his face on the frozen wall, and contemplated his situation. He had been kicked out of Dante's mansion (with an escort of laughter from greed, and orders not to get into any more fights, or he could expect to be skinned alive. Which would hurt quite a lot coming from Dante.) So he had nowhere to go, nothing to do, except avoid people. If he met someone in his current mood he might very well get into something along the lines of a fight……. it would be sooo easy.

Envy sighed, and slid down the wall to sit in the thin layer of snow that had managed to drift into the alleyway. He couldn't feel the cold, but he shivered all the same, Dante's threats running fearful circles in his mind, and very much disturbing the peace (vandalizing, burning things, ect.) Like messed up teenagers. He didn't know where he could go to avoid things that would get him in more trouble.

"What should I do then?" Envy asked the alley wall. Get a job somewhere? No….it would be too much contact with obnoxious, noisy people. He could hole up somewhere in the city. Heck, he could even stay in this alley, pretending to be a homeless bum. But no, he should probably get out of Central and go somewhere new…. it would take a long time too get far enough away, even with his ability to slip around as somebody else, but Dante wouldn't want him back until the end of the winter. He had time to get out of Central. It would probably be the best course of action, but it would also take some planning, which Envy really wasn't up for at the moment. He felt like a wounded, cornered animal; desperate, and just as ferocious. Envy pulled his thoughts into some kind of order (the cops sent Dante's threats to juvie.) He would use his wits and 'be himself'. And if that failed, he would just be somebody else. It was time to take a vacation!

i'macollegestudentandi'mokayistudyallnightandisleepallday(duringclass)

Edward leaned against the couch, listlessly fiddling with his bangs. He could hear Al in the kitchen as he bumbled around, trying to whip up some cookies from stale flour, and tea sweetener packets. This was not a satisfying (Christmas, Hanukkah, Atheism day…) holiday.

The sad truth was, that Edward hated the holidays not because of disturbing relatives, or having to stomach something awful made by your great aunt, like most people. Instead, they reminded him of what he lacked. A home to call his own, parents, time to play and not worry about his brother and his job…….heck, he might even like the great aunt, but only if she came with the rest of the package deal. The worries that he carried were heavy, too heavy to allow him the time to put them down, because he was afraid that if he ever let them drop he would never be able to lift them back up again. He was afraid that his brother would forever be incased in cold metal, that by being a state alchemist he was endangering his friends, that someday he might end up taking a life……that he would have to face his mother…..and his father. Afraid that, for all his mistakes, he was condemned to hell. And afraid of the fact that he frequently agreed with the sentiments of all the people that wanted to kill him.

Rubbing his face into the couch, Edward sighed, inhaling deeply. He immediately regretted it. They were badly in need of a new couch.

Edward knew that Alphonse could tell what he felt, or at least some of it. And Al was extremely worried. This was their first holiday away from Resembool, and he was already making it horrible for Alphonse!

And the worse Al felt, the more Ed blamed himself, and the more he worried. It was a nice slippery guilt trap.

"This stinks! I need to go somewhere that doesn't remind me of _every. Single. Mistake!_" Central was very much not where he needed to be-it brought thousands of memories along with its cold concrete and dark alleys. Resembool was no better for Ed, and this fact made him even more guilty; Resembool, or rather Winry, and granny made Al feel better. He felt that he was once again stealing Al's happiness. The young alchemist sat up and squirmed over, trying to find a part of the sofa that didn't smell like a wet dog. And almost fell off!

Edward swore, loudly.

Alphonse poked his head out of the kitchen, accompanied by a bowl of almost-cookie-dough.

"Brother, what's wrong?"

"I almost fell off of the couch! Aww, the hell! And now my neck hurts! Is this piece of junk starting to shrink as well as smell bad?!"

Al giggled tensely, not sure what kind of mood his brother was in.

"Brother, could it be that you _...grew_?"

"What?!" Edward sat up sharply, and immediately fell all the way off the couch, with a loud thump. Some one in the apartment below theirs yelled at them to 'KEEP IT DOWN!!'

"Absolutely not!" Ed screamed back; "I've finally begun to go UP!"

Alphonse giggled, Edward glared, and the room momentarily collapsed back into a comfortable, and cheerful atmosphere, previously lost to the tenseness of depression.

"But, seriously," Edward complained, "my neck hurts real frinkin' bad!"

"I wouldn't blame the couch, brother. You were somewhat enthusiastic at the mall today." The wince was clearly detectable in Alphonse's voice.

Edwards eyebrows snapped down into an angry line, clouding his face.

"Hey, that worm called me short! He got just what he deserved……"

"Yes, well, I really don't think you should have gotten that donut stand involved….now we'll have to pay the damages instead of buying a new couch." Al turned his head ruefully toward the lumpy, unappetizing piece of furniture.

Ed grimaced, and rubbed his hand through his hair, wishing that he could keep a hold on his temper. Or grow. A lot.

Alphonse headed back to the kitchen to continue making his witch brew, while Ed grabbed a book from the squat wooden bookshelf in the corner. He could feel the tension that had been released by their laughter regaining its choke hold. The lapse in the heavy mood was over, and focusing on his book was going to be hard.

i'macollegestudentandi'mokayistudyallnightandisleepallday (duringclass)

The tall man standing in the speedy flow of the train station crowd seemed rather lonely, but if you were to look at his face you would see nothing but businesslike impatience. It was simply something in his stance that caught your eye, something in the way that he was standing perfectly strait, not in the least slouched, and yet too strait. The man did not even look around when someone bumped into him. He seemed to be too emotionless, too uncaring, for anyone.

The kind passer by might glance at him and see all this, and hope that wherever he was bound there would be someone waiting with open arms. And yet, an observant, but not huge hearted person might see him and hope that nobody got in his way, for their own good.

The train stopped with a demanding screech on the tracks. Coats swished, bags were lifted off of the ground, and the teeming life of the train station slowly poured into the waiting cars. Black shoes, shiny with fresh polish slid across the cement, and climbed the metal gridding of the stairs. A long coat billowed, and the last evening train to Coldmouth crossing set off, carrying a cargo of ill fortune.

i'macollegestudentandi'mokayistudyallnightandisleepallday (duringclass)

A Different train station……

"Really? Is that so?" A middle aged woman in a long skirt, and a fox fur coat leaned into the telephone booth with a vengeance. "No, no, no, I'll be there. Yes, thanks…no, that's not true! You'll have the car waiting? Okay, okay, good." Click!

Envy stepped out of the phone booth with the almost-contented air of some one who had just completed a rather annoying task; everything was working for him. Soon he would be out of Central for the winter.

Now, just where to head, that was the problem. Envy wanted somewhere that he could enjoy. He had been around often enough lately, and he did not consider a vacation with people who were all on the lookout for a shady, shape-changing character any kind of vacation at all.

His first thought had gone out to a possible small town up north. It was true, he would not be well known, and it might be relaxing, but then it hit him, as he was standing at the station, waiting for somebody-else's-chauffer to come and pick him up. The perfect place; Coldmouth Seaport! The island trading port was quite well known for harboring many a shady figure (Envy grimaced. He preferred to think of himself as aristocratic, and mysterious, as opposed to a tree-ish freak) He could pass perfectly among its crowds of seamen, dark-skinned southerners, and all other kinds of in-between gathered at the port for some cheap fun. It would be impossibly easy cover, tropical, and probably quite comfortable.

Envy bit his lip, and pulled out his watch with an unladylike snort, sending clouds of frosty breath twirling. He wanted on the next train, and fast. With a quick glance at the scheduled departures on the board, Envy scrabbled down the dirty station stairs, and headed to the back exit for train workers. No time to book. With a small flash, and splutter, the short usher in tight blue uniform stepped out onto the train tracks, leaving an expensive, and very confused somebody-else's-chauffer hanging.

i'macollegestudentandi'mokayistudyallnightandisleepallday (duringclass)

"Aww, man," Edward moaned, "it's still snowing." Alphonse peeked around Ed and watched the torrent of white flakes dancing merrily down. "Ice," Edward grumbled, "more bruises for me. Yippee." No matter how skilled the young alchemist was in fighting, he came off as ungainly as a drunken sailor when walking on ice. And when he finished 'walking' he looked about as bruised as the same sailor who had gotten into a bar fight with a walrus.

Alphonse worriedly stared out at the black ice on the road (that he could hardly see for all the snow that was pouring down.)

"Um, I could carry you, brother."

"Hell No!"

"Well, I could-"

"You will not! Do you have any idea how embarrassing that would be? Walking into central headquarters being carried by my _little brother_? That colonel would laugh in my face about it for the rest of my LIFE!" And Edward went into a bad imitation of Roy's voice. "Ho, ho, I see you didn't need a _lift_ today, Fullmetal. Did you finally grow some legs? I really can't tell the difference, but if you have legs and are this short now, think about how small you had to be to start with! Are you sure that you aren't tempting fate, growing like that? Why, I can almost see you when I lean over my desk-"

"All right, brother, I get it." Alphonse turned from the door, hurrying to get his book. The morning was going to be long, and he wanted something to read while Edward and the colonel busied themselves insulting each other. Edward was due to report at central headquarters that day, and the ice's arrival didn't help his mood in the least.

When Alphonse stomped dejectedly back into the front room, Edward was feverishly throwing everything out of the front closet that they kept their-or, rather Ed's-shoes.

"Hey, Al, do we have any of those climbing boots? You know, the ones with the spikes on the bottom?" Alphonse sighed.

_God, this is hopeless!_

So, do you like? Please tell me! _ Reviews_….a hazy mirage in an endless desert. It is very sad. I am getting sunburned for _reviews_. Oh well, you know what I want. I'm a very lazy person, so it would be great if I got_ reviews. _It would really speed me up. My plot is developing! YAY! We are going somewhere Caribbean and **hot**! Yes! It just snowed, and I am too damn cold to write about that anymore. I guess my imaginationlikes to work very apart from reality. But it is probably healthy not to want to stab yourself so that you can write perfectly how it feels.disecting worms in school is fun, especially when there are plenty of Squeamish Ones in your class, and you can shove the worms' guts in their faces! Yeah! But it is possible that I enjoyed cutting it up too much….maybe I AM somewhat sadistic. Oh well, I'll live. Especially if I don't stab myself to find out how it feels. So I'm healthy in some ways, and sick in others, like being an anime freak.

Signing off.

Much lurv,

AllE K.


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